Summary · 摘要
Maté answers the question about people-pleasing by refusing to treat it as a habit to be broken and treating it instead as the residue of a childhood bargain. He restates the two needs — attachment, the drive to be close to somebody so we can be taken care of, indispensable and unusually long-lasting in humans; and authenticity, which he is careful to strip of any new-age connotation (“it’s actually feeling your gut feelings”). He demonstrates the second with a show of hands: nearly everyone has had a strong gut feeling, ignored it, and been sorry — proof that gut feelings were given us by nature to sense danger and safety, and that no animal in the wild survives long without them.
The mechanism is then shown twice. A two-year-old gets angry about a cookie before dinner; if the parent’s response is that anger means sitting alone until you return to normal — Maté names Jordan Peterson’s advice here — the child is threatened with the loss of the attachment relationship for feeling a feeling. Alternatively the parents are in conflict, and the child simply does not want to burden them, becoming the parents’ emotional caregiver by suppressing itself. Either way attachment wins, authenticity is suppressed, and a child not loved for who they are works very hard to be liked: please everybody, never say no, take everything on, be responsible for other people’s feelings, never disappoint anyone. The result is the sentence the talk turns on — everyone will like you, but nobody will love you, because they don’t know you. The pain of not being yourself then surfaces as depression, anxiety, cancer, autoimmune disease or addiction. The way back is that the abandoned self never left; it is still speaking through the body and the emotions. And the adult, unlike the child, now has a choice to make: authenticity may cost some attachments, so who would you rather have in your life — them, or yourself?
马泰回答”如何停止取悦他人”时，拒绝把它当作一个需要戒掉的习惯，而是把它当作一桩童年交易的残留。他重述两项需求——依恋，即靠近某人以获得照顾的驱力，不可或缺，且在人类身上格外漫长；以及真实性，他刻意剥去其新纪元色彩（“它其实就是感受你的直觉”）。他用举手来演示第二点：几乎每个人都曾有过强烈的直觉、却忽视它、事后后悔——这证明直觉是自然赋予我们感知危险与安全的能力，而野外没有哪种动物能长期离开它而存活。
接着他两次演示这一机制。一个两岁孩子因为饭前吃不到饼干而生气；如果父母的回应是”生气就自己一个人坐着，等你恢复正常再回来”——马泰在此点名了乔丹·彼得森的建议——那么孩子就因为”感受了一种感受”而被威胁失去依恋关系。另一种情形是父母彼此冲突、家里压力很大，孩子干脆不想用自己的情绪去打扰他们，于是通过压抑自己而成为父母的情感照顾者。无论哪条路，依恋都会取胜，真实性被压抑；而一个没有因”本来的样子”被爱的孩子，会拼命去争取被喜欢：取悦所有人、从不说不、什么都扛下来、为别人的情绪负责、从不让任何人失望。结果就是全篇的枢纽句——所有人都会喜欢你，但没有人会爱你，因为他们并不认识你。 不做自己的痛苦随后浮现为抑郁、焦虑、癌症、自身免疫病或成瘾。回去的路在于：那个被抛下的自我从未离开，它仍在通过身体与情绪对你说话。而成年人与孩子不同，如今有了选择：真实可能要付出一些依恋关系的代价——那么你更想要谁留在你生命里，是他们，还是你自己？
Key points · 要点
- [00:00:30] Attachment is the drive to be close to somebody so we can be taken care of; because the human child is the most immature and helpless creature for the longest period, the attachment period is very long and indispensable in the early years.依恋是靠近某人以获得照顾的驱力；由于人类幼儿是最不成熟、最无助且持续时间最长的生物，依恋期非常漫长，且在早年绝对不可或缺。
- [00:01:01] Authenticity is not a fancy new-age spiritual state — it is actually feeling your gut feelings.真实性不是什么时髦的新纪元灵性状态——它其实就是感受你的直觉。
- [00:01:31] A show of hands establishes that nearly everyone has ignored a strong gut feeling and regretted it.一次举手表决确立了：几乎每个人都曾忽视强烈的直觉并事后后悔。
- [00:02:01] Gut feelings were given by nature to sense danger or safety; no animal living in nature survives long without them.直觉是自然赋予我们感知危险与安全的能力；在自然中生活的动物，没有它活不了多久。
- [00:02:31] Example one: an angry two-year-old sent to sit alone until they “come back to normal” — Maté attributes this advice to Jordan Peterson — is threatened with loss of the attachment relationship for feeling a feeling.例一：一个生气的两岁孩子被要求独自坐着”直到恢复正常”——马泰将这一建议归于乔丹·彼得森——等于因为”感受了一种感受”而被威胁失去依恋关系。
- [00:03:01] Emotional health develops only if children are allowed to feel all their emotions, including anger, grief, sadness and joy.只有当孩子被允许感受自己的全部情绪——包括愤怒、悲伤、难过与喜悦——情绪健康才会发展出来。
- [00:03:31] Example two: when parents are in conflict and under stress, the child suppresses its own feelings and becomes the parents’ emotional caregiver.例二：当父母彼此冲突、承受压力时，孩子压抑自己的感受，反而成了父母的情感照顾者。
- [00:04:03] In the conflict, attachment wins every time; a child not loved for who they are will work very hard to be liked.在这一冲突中，依恋每一次都获胜；一个没有因本来样子被爱的孩子，会拼命去争取被喜欢。
- [00:04:33] The people-pleasing programme in full: please everybody, never say no, take everything on, be responsible for other people’s feelings, never disappoint anybody.完整的取悦程序：取悦所有人、从不说不、什么都扛下、为别人的情绪负责、从不让任何人失望。
- [00:05:05] Social expectations add further pressure not to be yourself; the pain of not being yourself surfaces as depression, anxiety, cancer, autoimmune disease or addiction.社会期待又加上一层”不要做自己”的压力；不做自己的痛苦浮现为抑郁、焦虑、癌症、自身免疫病或成瘾。
- [00:05:35] The abandoned self never went away — disconnection from it is the essence of trauma, and it is still speaking through the body and the emotions.被抛下的自我从未消失——与它的断联正是创伤的本质，而它仍在通过身体与情绪说话。
- [00:06:06] As a child there was no choice; as an adult there is. Authenticity may cost some attachments, and the decision is who you would rather have in your life — them, or yourself.童年没有选择，成年有了。真实可能要付出一些依恋关系的代价，而决定在于：你更想要谁留在生命里——他们，还是你自己。
Selected quotes · 摘引
“authentic is not some fancy new age a spiritual state it’s actually feeling your gut feelings” — 00:01:01
真实性不是什么时髦的新纪元灵性状态——它其实就是感受你的直觉。
“the only way we develop emotional health is if we’re allowed to feel all our emotions as children including anger grief sadness Joy” — 00:03:01
我们发展出情绪健康的唯一途径，是在童年被允许感受全部情绪，包括愤怒、悲伤、难过与喜悦。
“never disappoint anybody they’re all gonna like you but nobody’s going to love you because they don’t know you” — 00:04:33
从不让任何人失望——他们都会喜欢你，但没有人会爱你，因为他们并不认识你。
“you get sick you get depressed you get anxious you get cancer you get autoimmune disease you you get addicted because the pain of not being yourself is too much” — 00:05:05
你会生病、会抑郁、会焦虑、会得癌症、会得自身免疫病、会成瘾——因为不做自己的痛苦实在太大了。
People & works · 人物与著作
- Gabor Maté — speaker; presents people-pleasing as the adult residue of the attachment/authenticity trade.加博尔·马泰 —— 讲者；将取悦他人呈现为”依恋 vs 真实性”这笔交易在成年后的残留。
- Jordan Peterson — cited critically for the advice that an angry child should be made to sit alone until they return to normal.乔丹·彼得森 —— 被批评性引用：其建议是让生气的孩子独自坐着直到恢复正常。
- Science and Nonduality (SAND) — the event/channel hosting this talk.Science and Nonduality（SAND）—— 举办并发布这场讲话的活动/频道。
Source · 来源
- Original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuWg0lBVopg
- Channel/Show · 频道/节目: Science and Nonduality · published 2023-04-04
- Registered from the Notion「GaborMate 阅览室」文字讲稿《如何停止取悦他人并在保持善良的同时设定真正的界限》.