Summary · 摘要
Maté builds an account of grief out of Panksepp’s emotional systems. CARE is the evolved impulse to care for the vulnerable, carried by oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins. RAGE defends boundaries. PANIC/GRIEF is the response of the young creature that does not get the care it needs: panic when the caregiver is absent — which is functional, because the infant’s distress brings the parent running — and grief when the care is genuinely lost. Grief, in this frame, is not a malfunction but the necessary process of coming to terms with a loss: it is gone, I am not getting it back, I am so sad.
What determines whether grief can do its work is whether anyone is there to hold the child in it. In small hunter-gatherer bands, others were around even when a parent was lost, so a child could be held through grief, move past it, and learn that grieving is permissible and even liberating. With no one to hold them, children suppress the capacity to grieve — the adult who “doesn’t know how to grieve” is describing an infant history. Maté insists the losses need not be overtly catastrophic, and illustrates with his mother’s wartime Budapest diary: three weeks old, crying for an hour and a quarter to be fed, while she waited for the schedule the doctor had prescribed. He ends by refusing to teach a technique for grieving. Our culture, unlike Irish keening or the Jewish shiva, offers few grieving practices; so instead of a how-to he offers compassionate inquiry — begin with what is actually going on, not with what is failing to happen.
马泰借潘克塞普的情绪系统来解释悲伤。照护（CARE） 是照顾脆弱者的进化冲动，由催产素、抗利尿激素与内啡肽承载。暴怒（RAGE） 保卫边界。恐慌/悲伤（PANIC/GRIEF） 则是幼体在得不到所需照护时的反应：照顾者不在时是恐慌——这是有功能的，因为婴儿的哭闹会把父母召唤回来；而当照护真正失去时，就是悲伤。在这个框架里，悲伤不是故障，而是与失去达成和解的必经过程：它没有了，我拿不回来了，我很难过。
决定悲伤能否完成其工作的，是有没有人在悲伤中托住这个孩子。在小型狩猎采集群体里，即使父母不在，也还有其他人在场，孩子因而能被托住、走过悲伤，并学到”悲伤是被允许的，甚至是解放性的”。若无人托住，孩子就会压抑悲伤的能力——那个”不知道该怎么悲伤”的成年人，讲述的其实是自己的婴儿史。马泰强调这些失落不必是明显灾难性的，并以母亲在纳粹占领下布达佩斯所写的日记为例：他三周大，为了要吃奶哭了一个多小时，而母亲在等待医生规定的喂养时间。他最后拒绝教授任何”如何悲伤”的技巧。与爱尔兰的哭丧或犹太人的 shiva 不同，我们的文化几乎不提供哀悼仪式；因此他给出的不是方法，而是慈悲探询——从当下真实发生的事开始，而不是从”该发生却没发生”的事开始。
Key points · 要点
- [00:00:34] CARE is the biologically and evolutionarily determined impulse to care for the vulnerable, with oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins as its associated chemistry.照护是由生物学与进化决定的、照顾脆弱者的冲动，其相关化学物质包括催产素、抗利尿激素与内啡肽。
- [00:01:34] RAGE exists so that one can defend one’s boundaries when someone encroaches on them.暴怒的存在，是为了在他人侵犯边界时能够自我防卫。
- [00:02:05] PANIC/GRIEF is the response of the young creature that does not get the care it needs.恐慌/悲伤是幼体在得不到所需照护时的反应。
- [00:02:35] Infant panic is functional: crying and distress activate the parent’s CARE system and bring the parent running.婴儿的恐慌是有功能的：哭泣与痛苦会激活父母的照护系统，把父母召唤回来。
- [00:03:05] Grief arises when the care is actually lost; it is the necessary process of coming to terms with that loss.当照护真正失去时，悲伤出现；它是与那份失去达成和解的必经过程。
- [00:03:35] In hunter-gatherer bands others were available to hold a child in grief, so the child could move through and past it.在狩猎采集群体中，总有他人可以在悲伤中托住孩子，孩子因而能穿过并越过它。
- [00:04:05] With nobody to hold them, children suppress the capacity to grieve — adults who “can’t grieve” are reporting infant history.若无人托住，孩子就会压抑悲伤的能力——“不会悲伤”的成年人，其实在报告自己的婴儿史。
- [00:04:36] The losses need not be overtly catastrophic to have this effect.造成这种影响的失落，不必是明显灾难性的。
- [00:05:07] Maté reads his mother’s wartime diary: at three weeks old he cried for an hour and a quarter to be fed while she kept to the doctor’s schedule.马泰读到母亲战时的日记：他三周大时为求哺乳哭了一小时一刻钟，而母亲遵守着医生规定的喂养时间。
- [00:06:08] Repeated small disappointments of a child’s natural expectation produce panic and grief; when unbearable, grief is suppressed and the body tenses against it like armour.一再落空的、孩子天然的期待会产生恐慌与悲伤；当其无法承受时，悲伤被压抑，身体像穿上盔甲一样紧绷起来。
- [00:06:38] Some cultures offer grieving practices — Irish keening, the Jewish shiva, Indigenous healing practices — but this culture largely does not.一些文化提供哀悼实践——爱尔兰的哭丧、犹太人的 shiva、原住民的疗愈仪式——而这个文化基本没有。
- [00:07:38] Rather than teaching how to grieve, Maté begins with compassionate inquiry: what is happening for you right now, and what is blocking it.马泰不教”如何悲伤”，而是从慈悲探询开始：此刻你身上正在发生什么，是什么在阻塞它。
Selected quotes · 摘引
“is when the care is lost and there’s real grief and that’s the necessary process to come to terms with the loss it’s gone i’m not getting it back i’m so sad” — 00:03:05
（悲伤）是照护失去之时，真正的悲伤出现——那是与失去达成和解的必经过程：它没有了，我拿不回来了，我很难过。
“if the child is held in their grief they can move through it and move past it and know that it’s okay to grieve even liberating to grieve” — 00:03:35
如果孩子在悲伤中被托住，他们就能穿过它、越过它，并知道悲伤是可以的，甚至是解放性的。
“but if the child if there’s nobody around to hold the child in their grief then we suppress our capacity to grieve” — 00:04:05
但如果没有人在悲伤中托住这个孩子，我们就会压抑自己悲伤的能力。
“my poor little guppy that’s the diminutive for gabor i feel so bad for you my heart is breaking” — 00:05:07
“我可怜的小 guppy（加博尔的昵称），我为你难过极了，我的心都碎了。“——马泰母亲的日记
People & works · 人物与著作
- Gabor Maté — speaker; reads from his mother’s wartime Budapest diary as evidence that “small” losses register as trauma.加博尔·马泰 —— 讲者；朗读母亲在战时布达佩斯的日记，说明”微小”的失落同样构成创伤。
- Jaak Panksepp — neuroscientist; source of the CARE / RAGE / PANIC-GRIEF system vocabulary.雅克·潘克塞普 —— 神经科学家；照护 / 暴怒 / 恐慌-悲伤等系统术语的来源。
- Compassionate Inquiry — the method Maté offers in place of a grieving technique.慈悲探询 —— 马泰用以替代”悲伤技巧”的方法。
Source · 来源
- Original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R82GNUd7yUo
- Channel/Show · 频道/节目: Mindfulness Exercises · published 2021-11-27
- Registered from the Notion「GaborMate 阅览室」文字讲稿《悲伤是接受失去的必经之路》.